between the click of the light and the start of a dream

I photograph, am not a digital artist

For mum

animals :D non-relatives ;)

http://www.sheprethwildlifepark.co.uk

 

lemurs, tigers, porcupines and a slow loris :D

Right now, I'm supposed to be in Bradford, preparing for the wedding. Only, I'm in bed dosed on painkillers. I thought I had a stomach bug maybe but it turned out to be infected gall stones. Which made me pretty ill. So I'm on pain killers antibiotics, anti spasm drugs and some other stuff to deal with side effects until they operate.  I feel pretty miserable to say the least, I had looked forward to and been determined to go to the wedding more than anything.

 

But hey, the tramadol makes things pretty. then i sleep.

 

( fill out question thingy )

 

tonight I am struggling more than any other day since being released from the unit. Really. It's hard.

just when you think things can't get more confusing they do.

I don't WANT to grouch here but after 2 months of cold/flu/whatever I feel so weak and crap. If I cough again I swear my insides shall burst. I can't keep food down and keep having fevers. Then I shake and can't tolerate light and see funny things. Marcus is being brilliant.

I should be getting my keys tomorrow but I really don't know if I can manage. I mean I can barely walk and sitting up to eat is not an option. Have to lay down if I want to do anything else.
This time last year I was preparing to go to Swansea and travel and camp and stuff. I can't even get to the shopping centre.

Please find a miracle :)

love, me.

I have been offered a one bedroom flat on Coffee Hall (!) which should  be part of Chapter House which is a housing association place with iron gates, good security and intercom. It sounds relatively as safe as I'll get offered so I am hoping to view asap. It's already reserved for me and the support worker is filling out forms with  me next week. The flat should be ready at the beginning of June which is scary and wonderful at the same time.

I have sadness and happiness so my tummy is squishy-littlebitsick at th emoment but it's not the end of the world. I am worried about messing up. Mostly because I know I will. I will have to leave my most precious beastie at home and my Mickey-moo which has made me cry almost as much as living apart from Marcus (however much he provided problems in the past, he has made a lot of changes and has helped me no end with things and listened to tears, rants and grouches) - See? It's a jumble of thoughts!

Housewarming soon!!!!!!  *eeeee*

That the person who has stolen my engagement ring would return it asap. I feel lost without it. And incredibly very very sad.

Currently homeless but with a home. The aggression and shouting is doing me in, the control, the constant being wrong. I am struggling with it. I failed college because I suck. Because I can't keep a course down. Even something I love has become an enemy. I can't use the camera, it makes me feel sick to look at it. I want to be out of here but my health is pretty bad at the moment, I'm even doubting the potential escape this weekend, which I've looked forward to since last year. My chest is full of gunk, my oxygen levels are low and I'm probable pretty anaemic again. They said about the liquid iron stuff and blood transfusion to sort it out but I have to wait for more tests first, so I can';t be that bad. I have several times contacted a house in london where people go when they've had enough. When they can't cope. But they don't think they can help me so as long as they keep saying that, I'll be fine.

Not sure about the housing yet, still waiting, though my support worker and doctor are fighting to hurry things along. They think it'll help. I don't know. After being told for so long that I won't manage it, that I'll mess up, there is very little that I am sure of.

What help is available?
I know what it is and I would imagine that constantly being made to feel stupid or wrong is a start. Also things being done so that you always rely on that one person. Trying to stop you going out or speaking to friends - punishing you with silence.

The one thing that got me the most is having ALL of my photographs deleted a few days ago. It felt horrible.

I don't really know what to do about the situation and am not sure how much longer I can put up with it. Are there any websites you know of which can help or anything?

I have pleurisy, woo!

Apparently if it's not better in 6 weeks then I should go into hospital, but I am sure it will be gone by then! 4 hours in A&E with chest pains, shivering. I was glad to be home :D

x

I got to the opticians this morning and they fitted me in for an eye examination! woo! (haven't been in a long time and wasn't sure how long it'd be before I could get an appointment) Anyway, I have moderate astigmatism in both eyes and am short sighted, so am needing glasses for all vision. Which means I will sooon be able to tell what number bus is coming. (instead of saying it's 3, 6, 8, 9, 2 or 0 ) YAY

The bank people are still being pretty crappy. bastards. Mind you, the lady on the desk today was helpful :)

Not the end of the world!


Yet.

tomorrow I am going to see CLAIRE! Until Sunday :D  (I Just planned it .. about 10 minutes ago!) havent seen friends in about 6 months so it's exciiiting :D 

As the title says, happy belated new year!

I have a new thingy at http://tapestry-curtain.blogspot.com/ there.. and am being positive!

Love and sparkles
x

(as the title suggests, despite lovely people and medication, I've felt really quite crappy, sometimes suicidal recently)

Anyway, marcus got a ratatouille remote control remy (rat) yesterday from my parents - he was showing chris today and mickey and keef ran off with it - keef had the tail in his mouth!! Dear doggies!

happy seasonal wishes
x

I once again have bacterial tonsillitis which hurts and along with the fluey symptoms and swollen neck are making me feel pretty crappy! I have been in bed for most of yesterday and shall no doubt be there again today.

Have had wonderful messages and support from people of which i am so glad. I couldn't wish for better :)

I definitely have a place at college for January which is a huge relief and I had a photobook come through yesterday which I adore! I shall show it to everybody at the first opportunity! (I can boast sometimes???!)

I'm going to go back and attempt sleep now
x

Marcus came to visit/rescue me last week. He actually stayed for a week and it was the most beautiful week I've had in a long time. Even when I was dizzy and sick, I had hugs available and someone who didn't mind if all I wanted to do was curl up.

College has finally got to me that bit too much. I need to sort it on Monday but I am terribly scared. I panic about going to college and had a bad panic attack Thursday. I cannot cope with the course and everything else in my life at the moment. So I am hoping to give up this course (which hurts like hell) and start a short evening course in January before the OU one in May.

Mum and Lesley got 'engaged' on Halloween which was nice, although not everyone thought so. I'm so tired of the arguments, lies and shouting. Each time someone shouts I want to cry, it grates at me. Even if not aimed at me, I just get the feeling of not being able to cope, like sheer despair.

Marcus is moving from Swansea on 28th November and I am going to collect him. I think that's possibly the best thing ever! He shall be here for Heidi's engagement and indeed Christmas. I need to shift a load of junk from my room before then, which is scary! Not as scary as it must be for him though! He's never had a family as such so it shall be hard for him although I hope his mum can visit sometimes.

On Tuesday I was preparing for Marcus to go back to Swansea and mum came into my room. Took me a while to realise something was wrong. Chris had tried to kill himself at school. I can't word how that felt. He was only saved as a teacher was walking past and spotted him. I can't think what it'd be like if they hadn't. I cried more than I'd cried in a while. Then picked myself together a bit and went in search of 'stitch' (disney store!) I was the only family member he'd speak to so I was driven to his school to go speak to him. He actually WANTED to speak to me which was amazing. The teacher said his face lit up when they asked if he wanted me to go speak to him. There is a long way to go yet, but I hope things improve. I can't believe how close we were to losing him.